No fun my babe no fun
No fun my babe no fun
No fun to hang around

Feeling that same old way
No fun to hang around
Freaked out for another day

No fun my babe no fun
No fun my babe no fun
No fun to be around

                       The Stooges

No Fun

A downtown club in Los Angeles, sometime in the hedonistic 80’s …

            Dorian strode down the stairs, slipping past a couple of arguing drunks, and neatly hopped over a muttering drunk who was sprawled over the first three stairs.  He landed on the concrete floor, and when the drunk slurred something at him, he glanced back and said, “Naw, it’s okay.  Don’t get up.”  The drunk slurred something else, rolled down the three stairs to the floor, and promptly threw up.  Being a nice guy, the vampire rolled him off of his face and onto his side, so the guy wouldn’t drown in his own puke.

            He threaded his way through the noisy, crowded interior of the club, greeting many different people, both vampire and mortal, on the way.  One gal that he’d been running into off and on even caught him by the waistband of his leather pants and suggested that they go upstairs to the bathrooms to get better acquainted.  Giving her an apologetic smile, the vampire said, “I’ll have a to take a raincheck on that, I’m afraid.”

            The busty brunette, who was wearing little more than a red leather bikini top and very flattering spandex pants, frowned and looked put out, but Dorian leaned over, gave her a kiss on the forehead, along with a friendly telepathic nudge, and said, “No, no, it’s not you, baby girl.  Nothing at all like that.  It’s just that the bathrooms are kind of … out of commission at the moment.  I’m feeling a bit off tonight, too, so it wouldn’t be fair to you if I wasn’t at top capacity, either.  Tell you what, meet me at the Rainbow tomorrow night, and I’ll see about cashing in that raincheck with style.”

            Looking satisfied, the brunette eagerly nodded, grabbed him, and gave him a passionate kiss, nearly pulling him to the floor, and then slithered off, giving her shapely ass a wiggle as she did.  Feeling a little better, Dorian put a bit of swagger back into his walk and navigated his way across the sultry club, heading for the big corner table that he and his friends always sat at.

            A waitress who knew him well from past trips to the upstairs bathroom squealed a hello to him and handed him the drink from the tray she was carrying.  “It’s on the house, sugar,” she said with a grin and a slap to his ass.  “It’s supposed to be for some record exec that’s here to see the band playing tonight, but fuck him, he’s an asshole.  I’d rather you have it.”

            Dorian sniffed at the mixed drink, which absolutely reeked of alcohol, something that his vampiric constitution didn’t care for unless there was some blood mixed in with it, but he gave her a wink and a thank-you kiss nonetheless.  “I appreciate it, doll.  I’ll be sure to give you a nice tip the next time I’m in,” he said.

            “Oh, I don’t want just the tip … I want the whole damned thing,” she said, licking her ruby lips at him.

            “I’m sure something can be arranged,” he said with a grin and a tip of his cowboy hat.

            “See that it can,” she said with a wink before sashaying away to tell the record exec that they were all out of the stuff they needed to make the drink he’d ordered.

            When he neared the rear table, he caught Andy McCoy, a friend of his from Hanoi Rocks, just as the guitarist was bidding farewell to everybody in the table.

“Hey, you old fuckstick, what’s new?” Andy asked Dorian, giving him a friendly smack on the shoulder.

            “Eh, little of this, little of that,” the blond-haired vampire replied with a shrug.  “Been a weird night.”

            “I know how that goes,” said the mortal guitarist, rolling his eyes in commiseration.  “But what can you do, eh?  You gonna drink that, by any chance?” he asked, pointing to the big glass in Dorian’s hand.

            “It’s on the house,” said the vampire, handing the drink to Andy, who eagerly accepted it.

            “Thanks, mate,” said the grateful Finn, taking a swig.  “Yeah, that’s the good shit right there.”  He hooked a thumb back at the other vampires sitting at the table and said, “I was just sayin’ to everybody that I was thinking about buyin’ this little establishment and turnin’ it into me own little watering hole.  Owner’s looking to sell, and I got some cash stashed away, enough to cover most of it, and Steele said he’d get me on the rest if I come up short.  Hell, you might just be lookin’ at the future owner of this place!”

            “Hey, that’s great,” said Dorian.  “What are you gonna call it?”

            “I have absolutely no fuckin’ idea,” said the Finn as he tipped back the glass.  “Figure I’ll think of somethin’.”

            “I’ve always thought ‘House of Ecstasy’ would be a nice name for a club here in town,” suggested the vampire, and Andy snorted.

            “I dunno about that one, mate.  Sounds kinda like a whorehouse, if you ask me, not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you …  Matter of fact, that ain’t half-bad.  Let’s say I’ll just take it under advisement,” he said with a chuckle, taking down more of the drink.  He glanced around as though looking for somebody, and then said, “Shit.  I probably ought to go.  Don’t see any of me mates around, and if I’m not seein’ ‘em, they’re probably off having fun without me, so I’m gonna go find ‘em and see what they’re into.  I’ll talk to you later, mate, and thanks for the drink.”  With a grin, he handed the now-empty glass back to Dorian and moved off through the crowd, in search of his companions.

            Dorian set the glass down on the table as he dropped into the chair next to Tommy, and leaned back until the chair was resting against the wall.  He let out a sigh and shook his head.

            “All hail the conquering hero,” said Steele, who was sitting on the other side of Tommy, leaning back in his chair as well, his feet up on the table.  “So how was the liaison?”

            “Yeah, did you give her the ‘ol donkey punch?” asked Stacey, who was sitting across from him.  He made a punching motion and then brayed donkey laughter, amusing the hell out of himself.

            Sitting next to him, Donita rolled her eyes.  “What, you want to find out what it’s like to be the giver of one, since you only know what it’s like to be on the receiving end?” she asked snidely.  “Donkey bitch.”

            Stacey narrowed his eyes and gave her a sideways glance, looking as though he was contemplating a particularly venomous reply.  But Dorian, who wasn’t in the mood for Stacey and Donita’s monkey business, spoke up before the black-haired vampire had a chance to say anything.

            “Everything went pretty well to begin with,” said Dorian with a shrug.  “She definitely wasn’t against doing it in a club bathroom, that was for sure.”

            Steele nodded and took a drag off his cigarette.  “Yeah, thought she looked like she wasn’t squeamish.”

            “Did something go wrong?” asked Tommy, looking up from the thick, dusty book he was reading.  “You don’t have your usual post-conquest glow about you.”  College professor and accomplished scholar of the paranormal or not, Tommy was always up for a good fuck story, especially if it ended in disaster.

            Katheryne, who was sitting between Donita and Steele, nodded.  “I noticed that, too,” she said in her soft, gentle voice.

            Stacey suddenly guffawed and gleefully pointed at Dorian.  “Haw!  I bet you couldn’t get it up, could you?  Fuckin’ pussy.”

            Dorian gave Stacey a dagger-eyed glare and snapped, “Never had that trouble and never will, so fuck off.”  The other vampire just laughed and flipped him off.

            “So what happened?” asked Donita, her curiosity piqued.  “Inquiring gypsies want to know.”

            “Yeah, I bet you could give him some tips on how to get properly fucked in even the dirtiest of bathrooms, huh?” Stacey asked her.  “Don’t deny it, either!  I saw you writing your name and number on the men’s bathroom wall just the other day!”

            “Oh, fuck you,” growled the gypsy.  “What were you doing in the men’s bathroom, anyway?  Couldn’t find the one labeled ‘eunuchs?’”

            “You’ll see how much of a eunuch I am when I club you upside your head with ‘ol Horsey and cave your skull in,” retorted Stacey, moving as though he intended to take off his pants right then and there.

            “Shut up, I want to hear this!” barked Tommy, waggling a scolding finger at Stacey.

            “Yeah, shut up!” Donita snapped, winding up to give Stacey a sharp slap to the mouth, but fortunately, Katheryne caught her hand in mid-swing.

            “Please don’t,” she said, giving the gypsy her best ‘puppy eyes’ expression.  “I want to hear what Dorian has to say.”

            “Oh … all right.  Only for you, sweetie,” said Donita, putting her hand back down.  She leaned over and gave the blue-streaked blonde half-vampire a loving kiss on the cheek.

            “Ha ha, you gotta behave, wuss!” said Stacey, making motions towards the gypsy half-vampire as though he were cracking an invisible whip.

He started to make whip-cracking sounds, too, but Donita cut him off with a supersonic slap that was so blindingly fast, not even Steele could see her hand in motion.  The sharp crack of the slap was heard throughout the club, however, even over the racket of the sound system, and everybody winced at the sound.

            Except for Stacey, who remained stock-still for several seconds as his eyes rapidly grew to enormous side before he let fly with an extremely high-pitched, “Ooooooooooo!”  He then clapped his hands to his wounded mouth and started violently shuddering in his chair.  Clearly, the slap had stung like the dickens after his nervous system had finally registered it.

            “Motherfucker,” snarled Donita, shaking her hand, having hurt herself as well.

            “Now that we’ve gotten that out of our systems,” said Steele, shaking his head at the two injured vampires, “Tell us about your liaison, Dorian, my boy.”

            After giving Donita and Stacey a glare, Dorian said, “Well, like I said, everything was going pretty nicely.  She was into it, I was into her, and nobody else was even in the bathroom, so we didn’t even have to use a stall.  Everything was great, until …”

            “What?” asked Tommy, a salacious smirk on his face.  If it was one thing that Tommy enjoyed, it was tales of another’s downfall in some capacity or other.  “Speak up, man, share the details.”

            Heaving a gusty sigh, Dorian said, “Iggy Pop came staggering in.”

            “Oh no,” said Katheryne, a very sympathetic expression on her soft features at the mention of the notorious singer, who was infamous for his crazed antics both on and off the stage.

            Chuckling just a little, Steele said, “I thought that was him lurking around the shadows earlier.”

            “Yeah, that was him, all right,” said Stacey with a snicker, having recovered from the slap Donita had dealt him.  “He started humping my leg when I went up to talk to the DJ.  Damned near impossible to kick him off.  For a skinny fucker, the guy’s got a hell of a grip.”

            Donita grinned and started to say something, but ended up yelping instead when Katheryne stomped her foot under the table.

            “He didn’t hump your leg did he?” asked Tommy, closing his book and setting it down on the table, giving Dorian his full attention.

            “No, he left me alone, actually,” said Dorian.  His face took on an expression of perplexity and mild disgust.  “He was just stumbling around, singing ‘No Fun’ while swinging that giant dick of his around like a set of nunchucks.”

            Stacey immediately broke into giggles that would have put any schoolgirl to shame, and Donita wasn’t far behind.  Dorian gave them both dirty looks, taking comfort in the fact that at least Katheryne was nice enough to look concerned.

            “And … ?” asked Tommy, making rolling motions with his hand, not quite concealing his grin.  “What happened next?”

            “We’d been going hot and heavy enough that it didn’t ruin things, and we kept on going for awhile,” said Dorian, scowling at the professor.  “Like I said, he was leaving us alone, and seemed to be off in his own little world, so Iggy did his thing and we did ours.  Everything was cool, until he started breaking mirrors.”

            “With his dick?” Stacey demanded, leaning forward, at rapt attention.

            “Yes, with his dick, all right?” growled the blond vampire.  “Geez, I figured it was implied.”

            “Wow,” said Stacey.

            “Totally,” said Donita.

            “Good grief,” said Tommy.

            “Oh dear,” said Katheryne.

            Steele just laughed.

            “So that just completely ruined the mood,” said the disgruntled vampire, shaking his head.  “I probably could’ve kept things going, because I’ve fucked with a lot worse rackets going on in the background, but man, I dunno … the whole thing was just … unsettling.”

            “I don’t blame you,” said Katheryne.

            “So, what?  You just stuffed her in the trash and called it good?” asked Stacey.

            “No, asshole, of course not,” said Dorian.  He got an odd look on his face, and then said, “We’d decided to call it quits, and I got my pants done back up and she was pulling her skirt down again, and then Iggy finally notices us and wanders over.  He kind of nudges me and points at her, and asks, ‘hey, you mind?’  She looked interested, so I just gave up and told them both to have a ball.  Then I left and came back down here.”

            Tommy gave him an encouraging pat on the shoulder and said, “Don’t worry, there’s no shame in being bested by Iggy Pop.  His member is the stuff of legends.”

            Dorian scowled and said, “Oh for crying out loud …”

            “Yeah,” said Stacey, “I heard even horses are impressed by him.  Almost as much as they are by me.”

            “Whatever, stubby,” said Donita.  “If you’re such a stud, why were fucking that chick that looked just like Madame the other night?”

            “She did not!” snapped the slim vampire, looking offended.

            “Madame?” asked Steele, looking over at Stacey with great interest.  “You mean the puppet?  I haven’t heard about this one yet.”

            “You should’ve seen her!” exclaimed Donita gleefully.  “I walked past this alley outside the Roxy when I was on my way in, and there he was, drilling this chick next to a dumpster, and she looked so much like Madame I had to look twice to see if Wayland Flowers had his hand up her ass or not!”

            Steele looked at Stacey with amused disgust.  “Slumming it with puppets, huh?”

            “I was only doing it to get to her sister!  Her sister’s hot as hell and doesn’t look anything at all like a puppet!” screeched Stacey, and he jabbed an accusing finger in Donita’s direction.  “You nosy whore!”

            The gypsy gave him a sly grin.  “So did Wayland give you a happy ending?  Probably not, after you went and got his puppet all sticky.”

            While Stacey sputtered furiously, Katheryne said to Dorian, “Sorry about your evening.  Better luck next time.”

            “Thanks,” replied Dorian wearily.  “At least somebody cares.”

            “I didn’t fuck a puppet!” Stacey roared, angrily banging his fist against the table.  “Quit saying that!”

            “On second thought, you’d probably be happier if the puppet was fucking you, preferably with a baseball bat, you dickless, nutless, hopeless sack of monkey shit,” said Donita, a grin of satisfaction on her face.

            Stacey turned towards Tommy and demanded, “Do you let her suck your dick with that mouth?!”

            Tommy, looking seriously offended, retorted with, “Leave my personal life out of this, you little troll.”

            “Yeah, leave Tommy-Cat out of this!” barked Donita, fish-hooking Stacey’s mouth with her finger and yanking his head back in her direction.  “What’s the matter, you jealous he gets to fuck a real woman instead of a puppet next to a dumpster?”

            “A real woman?” Stacey crowed.  “Is he fucking somebody on the side?  A blow-up doll’s more woman than you!  You can call me a eunuch all you want, but at least I resemble a discernable sex!”

            Donita wound up for another slap, but when she swung her hand, Stacey caught it in mid-air, slammed it down palm-first on the table, and then rammed a fork through it, pinning the gypsy’s hand to the wooden tabletop.  The half-vampire stared at her hand in shock and surprise for several seconds, unable to believe what she was seeing.  “My fucking hand!  You peckerhead!” she screeched, looking horrified.  Stacey started cackling like a Halloween witch, looking tremendously pleased with himself.

            His expression changed a bit whenever Donita hauled off and slapped him a good one to the kisser with her other hand, twisting his head around so hard it would have snapped the neck of a mortal.

“Oh yeah?” he exclaimed with slightly-crossed eyes.  “So you wanna play that game, huh?  He grabbed the fork’s handle, pulled back on it, and let go, so that the fork, which was deeply driven into the table, vibrated like a tuning fork, which didn’t feel very good to Donita.

“Ahh, fuck!” she shrieked, furiously grabbing at the fork.  “It rattled my bones!”

“That’ll teach you to drag Madame’s good name through the mud,” said Stacey as Donita pulled at the fork, trying to extricate it while viciously cursing his name.  He squawked when the gypsy finally yanked the bloody fork loose from the table and lunged at him with it, clearly intent on doing some serious damage.

While the two of them tussled back and forth trying to injure one another, Dorian shook his head in annoyance, wishing they’d just knock it off.  Whose bright idea had it been to sit the two of them together, anyway?  This sort of thing always happened whenever those two were in close proximity to one another for very long.  He’d been feeling better after walking back downstairs and talking with everybody following the disquieting incident in the bathroom, but after barely being able to tell his story because Stacey and Donita wouldn’t settle down, he was starting to get really irritated.  Was it such a big thing to ask for a little consideration now and again?  Sheesh!

Those two were almost always the center of attention wherever they went, and it was like it would have killed them to let him share his problem with everybody and get a little sympathy for it.  He prided himself on his ability to satisfy any woman at any time in any situation, and it felt like a failure that he hadn’t felt like continuing while Iggy was screwing around in the background.  Truthfully, he’d wanted to get out of there before the notorious singer had started to cut himself up with the glass from the mirrors or something else similarly out-of-control, and resume his activities with the gal elsewhere, but things hadn’t quite worked out that way.

His thoughts were interrupted when the bloody fork, recklessly slapped from Donita’s hand, zipped towards him and deeply embedded itself into the wall right next to his head, missing his ear by less than a millimeter.  As a matter of fact, the fork brushed against his ear when it vibrated from the impact.  His eyes grew huge with fury as he finally reached the end of his rope and lost his temper.  Normally he was an easygoing guy and extremely good-natured, but after a bit of coitus interuptus courtesy of Iggy Pop’s antics, he wasn’t feeling very easygoing, and enough was enough.

“That’s it!” he roared, slamming his fist down on the table, causing everybody to stop and stare at him, as an angry outburst from him was virtually unheard of.  He pointed at Stacey and Donita, who’d been pulling at each other’s hair and punching one another in the face, and snarled, “Every time you two start going at it, I’m usually the one that ends up getting stabbed, burnt, cut up, or maimed in some other horrible way, and I’m fucking sick to death of it!  You don’t even have the consideration to ease up when I’m not feeling right!  I have totally had it up to here with you two and your pent-up sexual tension!  You’re like a couple of little kids!  You two want each other so bad even Helen Keller could see it! Why don’t you two assholes just FUCK and get it over with?!”

Silence fell over the table, broken only the racket of the rest of the club, and Dorian continued to angrily glare at the two other vampires while they stared back at him.

After several moments, Stacey, looking very disgusted, pointed at Donita, and asked, “Me touch her?”

Donita’s face twisted in equal disgust, and she pointed at Stacey.  “Him touch me?”

They both simultaneously howled, “Ewwwwwww!”

“I’d rather fuck Madame for real!” said Stacey, looking horrified.

“So would I!” said Donita, looking ill.

Then the two vampires turned as one towards Dorian and lunged across the table at him, murder in their eyes.  Luckily, before they could get a solid hold of him, Dorian scrambled out of his chair and scuttled across the floor, hurriedly getting back to his feet as Stacey and Donita fell all over each other trying to grab him.

The gypsy managed to get hold of his long blond hair, yanking him backwards, but he wriggled free before Stacey could knock him back to the floor, and he frantically shoved his way through the crowd, not sure where he was fleeing to, but figuring that anywhere away from Stacey and Donita was a good start.

“Man, that big dummy,” said Steele, shaking his head and chuckling.  “If they haven’t buried him in a landfill by the end of the night, he’s even quicker than I give him credit for.”

“Poor Dorian,” said Katheryne.  “First Iggy Pop, and now this.”

“Well, at least he won’t have to brood over the Iggy Pop incident, since mere survival is going to be a much more pressing concern for the immediate future,” said Tommy, looking quite amused.  “Honestly, I can’t believe he was foolish enough to go and say something so stupid to those two.  It’s obvious that those two can’t stand one another, and I know for a fact that Donita would never—“

“I bet they already have,” said Steele, lighting up another cigarette and leaning back against the wall, getting comfortable.

The professor frowned.  “Already have what?”

“Fucked.”

Tommy’s frown deepened.  “Stacey and Donita?”

“Yup,” said the streetwise vampire, who knew Stacey better than anybody.  “They’re just never going to own up to it.”

“That’s preposterous!  That would never happen!”

“I bet they have, too,” said Katheryne, who knew Donita better than anybody, including Tommy, who had an on-again/off-again relationship with the gypsy.

Tommy’s eyes widened in growing horror, and he sputtered, “B-but that’s impossible!  They clearly despise one another!”

Steele and Katheryne exchanged looks and they both shrugged.  “Well, we might be wrong.  Then again, we might not be,” said Steele.

The professor thought this over for a few moments, and then slowly lowered his head to the table, letting it come to a rest on top of his thick book of supernatural lore.  “Oh, I hate that little bastard!  I hate him!  I hate him!  I hate him!” he moaned, feeling terribly sorry for himself.

On the other side of the club, Stacey and Donita had chased Dorian up onto the stage, where one of the local glam bands was playing.  The performance quickly turned into a grab-ass free-for-all as the blond vampire desperately tried to escape by any means necessary, including snagging one of the band members’ guitars and trying to club his bloodthirsty pursuers into submission with it.

Lured back downstairs by all of the raucous hubbub, which was growing dangerously close to riot levels, Iggy Pop came stumbling up to the table, looked at the three vampires with a friendly grin, and asked, “Hey guys, what’s going on?"